Life has been going pretty well lately. It’s been a long time coming, but life is finally starting to look clear and bright again. I definitely don’t have anything figured out – and I’m not even close – but something is just fresh and new again. It’s a little hard and to be quite honest, I have hindered the return of a clear and happy future. I’ve had trouble letting go of my pain. I always thought that letting go of the pain meant letting go of the memories. But I’m glad I learned that’s not how it is.
I’ve made much improvement since the beginning of the month. On the first of the month I was continuing to go through the motions of my awfully monotonous life. It was bad; I just didn’t have the motivation to do anything. Online job searches ended almost as quickly as they started and going into stores for applications became a very rare occasion. As much as I wanted to end this boring continuous cycle of wake up-do nothing-go to bed, I just couldn’t. I figured I had done that for so long that as much as I hated it, I also didn’t mind it.
I really don’t know when things started to look up. But it’s definitely been slow and also continual. I haven’t felt sad about Cameron in almost a month. It’s a little weird to say that, but I know that letting go of my pain is not the same as letting go of all the memories. I still think about him everyday. I always wear my blue Cameron bracelet and just looking at it and putting it over my wrist makes me think of him. Random little events spark a thought, too – a Jeep driving down the road, eating at or seeing a sign for Subway, seeing his dad at church, hearing a ridiculous rap song that he always liked to make fun of.
I think the neatest part about being able to let go of my pain is the realization that Cameron is more alive now than he’s ever been. Heaven is such a glorious, wonderful place and he gets to be there forever! And once my day comes, I’ll get to join him. That’s so neat, but all this time I’ve been focused on the negative aspects. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing; I mean after all, death is extremely hard to deal with. But it can get to a point where thinking about the bad won’t get you anywhere, and I don’t know if I got there or not but it sure felt like it. And when you can’t keep being negative, you have to start being positive. I’m glad that day has finally come for me. But like always, I know that there are going to be bumps in the road. Tomorrow might be a hard day, as it marks eight months. But then again it might be a wonderful day and I might get overcome with emotions some other day. Grief is a funny thing and I have definitely witnessed that first hand.
One thing that has played an interesting role in the past eight months is music. I absolutely love music, as does my twin brother, and as did Cameron. The three of us had very similar tastes in music and because of that, for a while after the accident it was hard to listen to music. As much as I love it, there were days when I’d rather sit in silence than listen to a song that provoked so many memories. It was also extremely difficult because there were certain songs that I wanted to listen to, but those songs would usually provoke the most emotion. It was just awkward. Occasionally it still is. There are still a few songs that I absolutely cannot bring myself to listen to and haven’t listened to since before the accident.
I have been amazed at all the songs that have said exactly what I have been feeling. Sometimes it’s hard to listen to those songs because they’re so real and true in my life. But there’s just something about them that keeps me listening. In the beginning of the month, I really got to liking Steven Curtis Chapman’s Beauty Will Rise CD. Every song was so heart-wrenching but I could completely relate to it. The song I liked the best was “Spring is Coming.” It has so much hope in it and I had been lacking hope for quite some time. The song is a great reminder that even though there is pain and sadness, there is hope. And we must cling to that hope if we want to continue on with our lives.
Another song that I especially grew fond of is “Learning How to Die” by Jon Foreman. The words are pretty straight-forward, which at first was a little troublesome. And even though the lyrics aren’t really of hope to look forward to, it sparks a great revelation. Ultimately, we are put on earth to eventually land in heaven or hell. We do live but we are most alive just after we’re born, if you really think about it. Each second of our lives gets us closer to our departure from this earth. From the moment of birth, we are starting to die. It sounds rather depressing, but when you really think about it, we were made for death. We ultimately choose whether after death we spend eternity rotting in hell or living eternally in heaven. Our lives are just a chronicled journey of pain and sorrow and the occasional joyous event. We weren’t made for the fragile things of this earth. We were made for heaven and eternity. When I think about it that way, it makes the petty events of this life seem so insignificant. Because I know that eventually, this way of life will pass away for a much better one. A life where there is no sadness, sorrow, or pain. And let me tell you, I am exceptionally excited for that life.
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