It takes more than you’ve got right now, so give it time

I don’t like feeling helpless. I know that from time to time, I’m prone to feel that way, but it really isn’t something I like. For the most part, I’m pretty independent. I can get by alone without the help of others. But sometimes, it just doesn’t work out.

For example, the other day in class, I fainted for the very first time. I was completely helpless; I lost control of my body. It was a scary situation because I didn’t know what was happening, and also embarrassing because I completely lost control in front of 40 people I don’t know that well. I had to be helped to the nurse and from there, they waited on my every need. They put me in a wheelchair and took me to a hospital bed (thank the Lord my class was in the nursing building!), gave me food and drink, and took care of me. From there, they transferred me to the real nurse’s office across campus, and I got a ride. When I was checked out at the nurse’s office, I stayed for an extra hour so they could check on me again. I was given a pillow and blanket to sleep while I waited. There was nothing that I had to worry about because it was all taken care of. In a way, it completely humbled me, because it showed me that I don’t always have it all together. There will be times when I can’t do things on my own and I need someone else’s help. I don’t know how many times I said “thank you so much” to people.

All of that got me thinking about how God is like the people who took care of me yesterday. There are times in this life when I can’t do things on my own. Okay, actually all the time I can’t do things on my own. I wasn’t created to do things solo anyway. God created us with a longing and a need for Him. God wants to take care of us. He wants us to completely surrender to His will for our lives. He wants to be in control every day and in every situation.

Do you love me enough to let me go

This past week I encountered the first time that I had to let go of something that I really, really wanted. I've made a lot of decisions in my life, and this was easily one of the hardest. It's extremely difficult to let go of something that you really want, but until you do so, you'll just be suffering. I learned that through first-hand experience, unfortunately.

I applied to work at a summer camp in Seattle for the summer, and things just fell into place. Three weeks after I applied, I was doing homework and I was interested by this place in a book I was reading. I looked it up and found out it was a place in Seattle, and not even a second later, my phone was ringing and it was this summer camp, based out of Seattle. A week later, I got a few more phone calls from them, and it was confirmed that I had gotten the job. Pending approval from my parents, I told them I would take the job. I got extremely excited about this opportunity, and after talking to my parents on the phone about it, my hopes were higher than ever. When I came home later that week and I talked with my parents face-to-face about it, the hope I had started to dwindle. I had been envisioning my summer away since I got the first phone call. I had made up my mind that I would be spending my summer in Seattle, and nothing was going to change that. I still clung to the hope after my parents had basically told me no for the first time. I figured there had to be a way around it, because why would everything have fallen into place if I wasn't supposed to go? I got myself worked up the whole week, trying to devise a way to sneakily purchase plane tickets, among other things.

When I'm serious about something, I pursue it all-out. I was completely committed to going to camp, and when those plans were blocked, I didn't know what to do. I'm a little embarrassed to admit, but I got myself way too worked up over this situation, when (basically) the whole time, I knew what the outcome was going to be. I knew that my parents had made up their minds, and I didn't want to challenge their authority. So the night before my birthday, I decided to talk with them about a possible way for me to go to camp. This was definitely not one of my smartest decisions, because it put me in a terrible mood. Thankfully, with the guidance of a few friends, I was able to finally surrender this issue to God. I had been trying to do so all week, but I was too stubborn in my ways. I had my mind made up, and nothing was about to stop that. I knew that I had finally completely surrendered this to God because when I woke up on my birthday, I didn't feel the nagging feeling of "what do I say to convince my parents this time?" It was a wonderful feeling, especially considering it was my birthday. But it also made me realize that sometimes, we must give things up, even if they mean the world to us. We don't always know the reasons why we must, but if we are following in God's will, we know that God is only looking to give us the best.