From a young age, most kids at Sunday School learn that God loves them. For me, that was head knowledge from the day I learned “Jesus Loves Me” up until sometime this fall. It was simply another piece of information that I was supposed to know that was lodged up in my mind with everything else I was supposed to remember. But it wasn’t until my world was shaken that God’s love became a truth of my heart instead of just head knowledge. The best example of what I believe led me to fully believe in God’s love and not just know about it is the song “How He Loves,” written and performed by John Mark McMillan. If you haven’t heard the song, I strongly encourage you to check it out. If you haven’t heard the story behind the song, well, I’m going to tell you about that now. McMillan wrote “How He Loves” after the death of his best friend, Stephen, a youth pastor. Stephen was at a prayer meeting one morning and in the heat of passionate prayer, he prayed for God to take his life if it would shake the youth of the nation. Later that night, Stephen was killed in a car accident. McMillan wrote this very personal song just days after Stephen’s accident. The song is so personal that McMillan can’t get through any live versions without crying. Even on the CD, you can hear McMillan crying as he sings the last verse. The song is a powerful reminder that no matter what, God loves us with such a deep and unconditional love. We may have a conditional love for God, but God will always love us, even if we don’t feel like returning the favor (or debt, really. Loving God with our being is really the least we can do for Him.). So through “How He Loves,” my perspective changed. I was still full of sadness and sorrow, and for a while, it seemed like the knowledge of God’s love intensified that sorrow. I had a difficult time for a while because while I know that God loves us and only wants the best for us, it seemed as though I was getting stabbed in the back. I didn’t understand why things had happened and why it was happening to us. It took me until December to realize a little more of the big picture. I read “The Shack” one night and found a lot of interesting bits and pieces that I really believe helped me understand. I can’t state it half as good as the author, so here’s what he said:
“Your world is severely broken. You demanded your independence, and now you are angry with the One who loved you enough to give it to you. Nothing is as it should be, as [God] desires it to be, and as it will be one day. Right now your world is lost in darkness and chaos, and horrible things happen to those He is especially fond of.”
“Then why doesn’t He do something about it?”
“He already has…haven’t you seen the wounds?”
That quote put a lot of things in perspective for me. I learned that while it was a part of God’s will that Cameron was taken home so early, in a weird way, it wasn’t. God didn’t want to take him at such a great part of his life. But because of the fall of man, we have a whole set of problems that come and affect God’s perfect will. But God is all-knowing, so He knew in advance that sin was going to mess up His perfect plans. But He still allows it to happen because of freewill and the sacrifice that was paid through Jesus’ death on the cross. Just because I discovered this, it didn’t make the pain go away. But it helped me work though everything and realize that I shouldn’t be mad or upset at God. God’s plan wasn’t to take Cameron on August 1, but because of all the sin of this world, it happened that way.
It took me four and a half months to realize that God was feeling sadness right along with me. For some reason it never occurred to me that God didn’t want this to happen. He didn’t want Cameron to be taken home on August 1. But yet that was part of His plan. Because we are sinful beings, sin overtakes this world. Cameron’s homecoming didn’t happen because God wanted to make us hurt. God didn’t do this to us because He was mad at us or because He wanted to punish us. God is right there with us when we’re having bad days and sleepless nights. He understands our pain because He is going through it too. While He is overjoyed that His child is finally home, He also understands our pain of not having Cameron here with us. Just three weeks after the accident, I left for college. It was a very hard transition for me and as the semester dragged on, I knew that these four months were going to be my only months at Northwestern. That being said, a lot of people have asked me if I thought my semester there was a waste. I don’t think it was a waste. I believe a lot of good has come out of me being away from home during such a turbulent time in my life. Sure, sometimes it was very hard for me to be suffering alone with no one else who understood me. But I really do believe that there was a purpose for me being away from my loved ones during the most difficult time of my life. By going to a Christian school, I had to take Bible classes. Those classes helped me significantly through my grieving process. I learned a lot about the Bible, or more specifically, the Old Testament. And my professor required reading journals, so I was able to write down and reflect on what I had read (or I guess to be more accurate, skimmed). And the notes that we took in class would touch on important verses in each of the Old Testament books, and it really helped me discover new verses and different parts and stories of the Bible that I was never aware of.
From the beginning the thing that puzzled me a lot was the timing. I wondered why now? Why just weeks before I am supposed to leave for college? Why just a month after we got back from a wonderful mission trip? Why did this happen when we were just kids? I haven’t gotten answers to those questions and I don’t think I ever will. But so many things have provided me with insights to all of these questions plus many, many more. As weird as it may be, I honestly believe that God prepares us for our final days. Something inside of us is aware that something big is coming. I don’t think that we necessarily know that the ‘something big’ is death, but I’m quite certain they know that something is about to rock their world. Looking back at Cameron’s life, I can see it. It’s kind of weird, not going to lie. The cross tattoo with Psalm 23:4 (of all verses) that he got just a month before the accident. All the songs that he liked and was learning to play on the guitar. Just the way in which he lived. It was like he knew that something big was about to happen. And as far as the timing, God knew what He was doing. Of course, my initial reaction was why now, why him? It was crippling to have to deal with the death of a friend and then move away just weeks later. But looking back, I can tell you that if it had to happen any month, August was probably the best. Not that I wanted it to happen, but I’m just saying, I think God knew what was going on. I can’t even imagine what this would be like if it happened during the school year, while I was five hours away from home. Although that wasn’t an answer, it helped me be more assured that God was in fact in control. He knew that we would have a difficult enough time trying to deal with Cameron’s homecoming in the summer, let alone if it happened while everyone was far away at college.
One closing remark: Just days after the funeral, God gave me this incredible peace. I didn’t wake up with a nauseous stomach and eyes swollen from crying like I had the previous five mornings. I still cried of course, but there was something different about the way in which I was crying and dealing with my emotions. I didn’t constantly feel like I was about to burst into tears, and that was a huge improvement because again, that was how I had felt the previous five days. But I believe this bit of realization really helped me in my early grieving process. I got to thinking one day about how most people live until they’re 75 or 80. Of course there are always exceptions, but for the most part, people live well into their 70s. And it got me thinking about how everything happens for a reason and God takes people home when they are ready. Then, it occurred to me that in order for people to be ready to be taken home, they must have fulfilled everything that God had planned for them. That’s when my realization struck. Cameron lived on earth for just 18 years, but he accomplished everything that God had for him to accomplish. For most people, they have to live to be 70 or so. For Cameron to do all of that in just 18 years made me so proud to have known him. He only needed a fraction of the time to get his life’s work done, whereas the majority of us take much longer. I think this realization was extremely vital in helping me get over the initial shock and grief. Of course it was still very difficult, but something about this new realization helped me on my journey of grief.
While I am finally beginning to heal, I must still remember that this will be with me always. There will be times when something triggers my memory, and I have to just let the emotion take over. And I’m slowly learning to be ok with that. If I feel like I’m about to cry, I need to just let it come. My life has changed in so many ways this past year. Things have happened that don’t make sense to me, but I have to learn to keep living. I can’t do anything about things that have already happened, so I might as well learn to keep going. I learned that life is so unpredictable yet it always goes according to God’s plan. We have such little comprehension of the big scheme of things which is why we don’t understand anything. But God’s up to something, and knowing Him, it has to be good. Sometimes, we just have to go through a lot of pain to get to the really good stuff.
