These past few days have really challenged me. From a small group Bible study last night to chapel this morning, I’m left to think over all the information that’s been spoken to me. I’ve also been faced with a very difficult decision that I must make by the end of next week, which is definitely not enough time to make the best possible decision. But it is what it is and I’m slowly (very slowly) learning to trust that God has marvelous plans. I have struggled with that fact for far longer that I’d like to admit, but these past few days I have really been convicted of things that I need to make right before moving on and fully accepting all that God has planned for me.
I need to first start off by saying that I like to be in control. Or at least, I like when I know what to expect. I absolutely dread times when I’m unsure about what’s to come. I like when things are (for the most part) planned and predictable. And for the most part, these past few days have seemed a little unplanned and unpredictable. But I also know that when I finally work through everything and surrender to God’s plan for my life, things will become a bit unstable. But ultimately, surrendering to God’s plans will make my life more stable than I could ever plan for it to be.
Last night at Bible study, we talked about stepping out in faith and what that means for us and how we approach it. We also talked about hindrances that may be blocking our path towards stepping out in our faith. I realized a lot last night and was left to ponder all that was just presented to me.
Then this morning in chapel we had a speaker who really talked to what I was feeling from the night before. In all honesty, I was hoping the speaker would be lame so I could study for my upcoming test. But God displayed his sense of humor this morning with a speaker who really talked about things I needed to be confronted about. He talked about empowerment and what that all entails. He talked about unfinished business that we must take care of in order for God to fully take control of our lives.
So now I’m going to get personal. All this stuff hit me really hard and made me examine what I needed to change in my life. There was one thing that I felt carry over from last night’s Bible study and chapel this morning, and that is getting rid of anything that may be blocking me from fully surrendering to God’s plans. For me, I felt a strong conviction about unforgiveness. I’m embarrassed that it’s even an issue, because forgiveness usually comes easy to me. It’s not hard for me to forgive others. But, there is one thing I have left unforgiven and I know it has played a huge roll in my faith this past year. Yes, I have left this unforgiveness brew inside for a year now. And it’s really hard because it’s a pretty personal thing but at the same time it isn’t really. It’s also hard because when this event occurred, I was far away and never had a chance to see anyone or say anything. I suppose I could have done something about it, but I was very upset and hurt at the event. I couldn’t have forgiven these people right away because I wasn’t okay with everything and would not have truly meant what I was saying. Never in my life would I think uttering “I forgive you” could be such a hard thing, but here I am today, a year after the event took place and still unable to say those three words. And to make matters a little more complicated, I am no longer in contact with the people that I must forgive.
I don’t really know what else to say about this matter except that I must now take it up with God. And the only thing that comes to my mind right now a song that says exactly how I feel.
Give me words to speak, don't let my spirit sleep, cause I can't think of anything worth saying...
