It seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong

Much too often I find myself lamenting something that seems so big at the moment but really isn’t a big deal. In fact, I’m in that spot right now. To begin, you have to understand that for the most part, I like it when things are planned, especially if they’re big things. I tend to freak out a bit when something goes wrong or doesn’t fit into my plan. A great example of this occurred a few weeks ago with scheduling classes for the spring. The situation was already crazy because credit-wise I’m a freshman but I’m taking upper-level classes, so when the time came to register, I couldn’t get into some of my classes. It was a crazy mess for about two days but then things cleared up. It was amazing and I was so thankful to God that He literally made a way for me to get into classes that were completely full.

Even before I scheduled classes, I took a test that is mandatory for a few reasons, 1. I’m studying education in Illinois so I need to take this test, and 2. I need to take and pass the test for admission into the School of Education. It wasn't a terrible test, except for the fact it was 30 minutes away and the reporting time was 7:15am on a Saturday.

The unofficial scores of my test were put online yesterday for me to check, but of course not until 10pm. I had a wonderful day; one of my professors changed the final exam from comprehensive to just the last two chapters, my last class of the day was cancelled, I had Chick-fil-A for the first time, and I got to see a movie with some great friends. But then I got back and checked my scores, and much to my dismay, I had only passed two of the four sections. I was in complete shock and disbelief. How could I have only passed two sections? I took at least six practice tests and thought the actual test was easier than the practice tests. I just didn’t understand, and to make matters worse, everything had to change just because of this test. Because I didn’t pass all the sections, I will not be admitted to the School of Education for the spring semester. Because of that, I also cannot take three of my classes next semester, which messes up possibly the best schedule any college student could have ever asked for. It was a major disappointment for me, and I’ll even admit that I cried about it.

It’s funny how one thing can change everything, no matter how big or small it is. I always try to not let things affect me, but sometimes it’s hard not to let them take the best of me. As silly as this test score is, it really hurt me. Not only did it make me feel belittled, but it is essentially going to change the plans I had. But that’s life. You live and you learn. You might mess up on something little or you might mess up on something important. You might succeed at the little things but fail miserably at the big things. It’s just life and that’s how it is. Things aren't always going to go our way, but luckily, this is the worst it will ever be. I know that when it’s my time to get to Heaven, things will be infinitely better than I can ever imagine. Whatever happens in this life will be the worst that I’ll ever have to experience. And while it may seem miserable now, it will all be worth it to spend eternity in the greatest place ever.

Give me words to speak

These past few days have really challenged me. From a small group Bible study last night to chapel this morning, I’m left to think over all the information that’s been spoken to me. I’ve also been faced with a very difficult decision that I must make by the end of next week, which is definitely not enough time to make the best possible decision. But it is what it is and I’m slowly (very slowly) learning to trust that God has marvelous plans. I have struggled with that fact for far longer that I’d like to admit, but these past few days I have really been convicted of things that I need to make right before moving on and fully accepting all that God has planned for me.

I need to first start off by saying that I like to be in control. Or at least, I like when I know what to expect. I absolutely dread times when I’m unsure about what’s to come. I like when things are (for the most part) planned and predictable. And for the most part, these past few days have seemed a little unplanned and unpredictable. But I also know that when I finally work through everything and surrender to God’s plan for my life, things will become a bit unstable. But ultimately, surrendering to God’s plans will make my life more stable than I could ever plan for it to be.

Last night at Bible study, we talked about stepping out in faith and what that means for us and how we approach it. We also talked about hindrances that may be blocking our path towards stepping out in our faith. I realized a lot last night and was left to ponder all that was just presented to me.

Then this morning in chapel we had a speaker who really talked to what I was feeling from the night before. In all honesty, I was hoping the speaker would be lame so I could study for my upcoming test. But God displayed his sense of humor this morning with a speaker who really talked about things I needed to be confronted about. He talked about empowerment and what that all entails. He talked about unfinished business that we must take care of in order for God to fully take control of our lives.

So now I’m going to get personal. All this stuff hit me really hard and made me examine what I needed to change in my life. There was one thing that I felt carry over from last night’s Bible study and chapel this morning, and that is getting rid of anything that may be blocking me from fully surrendering to God’s plans. For me, I felt a strong conviction about unforgiveness. I’m embarrassed that it’s even an issue, because forgiveness usually comes easy to me. It’s not hard for me to forgive others. But, there is one thing I have left unforgiven and I know it has played a huge roll in my faith this past year. Yes, I have left this unforgiveness brew inside for a year now. And it’s really hard because it’s a pretty personal thing but at the same time it isn’t really. It’s also hard because when this event occurred, I was far away and never had a chance to see anyone or say anything. I suppose I could have done something about it, but I was very upset and hurt at the event. I couldn’t have forgiven these people right away because I wasn’t okay with everything and would not have truly meant what I was saying. Never in my life would I think uttering “I forgive you” could be such a hard thing, but here I am today, a year after the event took place and still unable to say those three words. And to make matters a little more complicated, I am no longer in contact with the people that I must forgive.

I don’t really know what else to say about this matter except that I must now take it up with God. And the only thing that comes to my mind right now a song that says exactly how I feel.

Give me words to speak, don't let my spirit sleep, cause I can't think of anything worth saying...

We're fighting for what already have received

I don't have much to say but I really wanted to share these lyrics. Tonight I went to a concert by Tenth Avenue North and it was pretty great. To be honest, I didn't have any expectations for the night. I honestly just went for something to do. But it was so much better than that, and I'm extremely grateful that it was. There were a lot of songs they played that really spoke to me, but this one really caught my attention.


All the Pretty Things

We are, we are, we're caught in the in between
Of who we already are and who we are yet to be
And we're looking for love but finding we're still in need
It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep

And we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
'Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me

We run, we run to finally be set free
But we're fighting, fighting for what we've already received
So we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
'Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me

We are, we are caught in the in between
But we're fighting for what we already have received
We are, we are caught in the in between
But we're fighting for what we already have received

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
'Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me

All I ever needed is Your love

This week has been one of those weeks where I’ve been completely overwhelmed. And it must be experience, because for whatever reason, I’m not terribly consumed with an overwhelming feeling. I’ve come to realize in my college career that feeling overwhelmed is a normal occurrence, whether or not I’m okay with that. There are always going to be tests, huge homework assignments, long papers, and ridiculous amounts of research. That’s just what college is. But I can definitely change how I react to those things. I can choose to let the overwhelming feeling consume me, or I can choose to combat the overwhelming feeling. It’s usually easier to let the feeling consume me, even though that is usually more stressful. However, like many things in life, it is worth the work to take the second route of combating the overwhelming feeling.

Have you ever realized how many things in life can be complicated? The things that immediately come to mind are love and courage. I’ve heard a saying that goes “Hate is easy, love takes courage.” How true is that? It seems that the most worthwhile things take the most effort and time to achieve. And I suppose that makes sense, even though it can be a pain to get there. Homework is a great example of that. When I finish my homework, I know that I’ll have the weekend open to do whatever I want. However, it also means that I must take the time now to do the homework and not procrastinate if I want to have a homework-free weekend.

Sometimes the bargains are small like choosing to not procrastinate on homework. Other times the bargains can be huge things, like choosing to live a life for God. That takes a lot of sacrifices, even if we don’t realize it. And, just like homework, living a God-honoring life is a continual process. Homework will keep coming week after week, and our lives will keep on going week after week. Getting assignments done on time will be something that we have to keep doing while we’re in school; homework isn’t going to be going anywhere anytime soon, unfortunately.
Just like homework, God isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. He’s still going to be here waiting for you to follow Him continually. Following God and living a Christ-like life is a full-time job. Although it may be enticing to let up for a while, you must be committed to following Him constantly. Sometimes it gets hard, and I understand that. But don’t ever give up the truth that God is always there and wants you to follow Him. The road may be difficult and long in the beginning, but it will definitely be worth it in the long run.

Look up at the rain, the beautiful display of power and surrender

Last night's storm was completely unreal. It was almost like living in a movie; the rain just kept coming and the water kept rising. I left around 5:30pm to go to my class, but after driving half a mile down the road, I turned back. My windshield wipers were on the highest setting and I still couldn't see. I was driving on a road I travel everyday, but because of the great amounts of standing water, I couldn't even tell where the road was. My car made huge waves even though I was driving no faster than 20 miles an hour.

Our yard was completely soaked. A river flowed from one corner of the yard to the other and a small lake formed in the backyard. About an hour after I came back home from my brief adventure, I headed out with my parents to inspect the flooding around town. The ditches in our old neighborhood were completely filled and spilling over onto the roads. In fact one of the roads in that subdivision was completely covered with water. By the time we got there, it had receded back into the ditch but was still quite the sight. Another neighborhood had lots of flooding in front and backyards, and the retention pond was filled to the brim. It was just an incredible sight.

We heard stories of cars being stuck on the freeway and on side streets in Milwaukee. Interstates were closed at certain areas because of standing water. In some places, cars were up to their windshields in water. There was even a story of a car being swept away into a creek. But the scariest has to be the car that dropped into a sinkhole. I can't even imagine witnessing that.

And this morning as I'm writing, it's just started to rain again. We're just stuck in the middle of this huge chain of rain that keeps popping up. As soon as we think we're finally in the clear, another rainstorm pops up and the cycle continues.

In the past 24 hours, we all witnessed in some way the power of water. Water can sweep away vehicles as if they were children's toys. It takes hardly any water at all to move some of the heaviest vehicles. It's scary to just think about the potential that water has.

Regardless of the power of flood waters, God has so much more power! I'm reading through the Psalms and very appropriately, I was at Psalm 91 last night. Just by reading the introduction to the chapter, I knew it was going to be extremely relevant. The intro said "God's protection in the midst of danger. God doesn't promise a world free from danger, but He does promise His help whenever we face danger." As I went on to read the chapter, I was blown away by the truth in the verses. The Bible contains so many verses that are still applicable to this day, and that just blows my mind.

I've learned in my nineteen years of life that God never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes it may seem as though everything is piling up and there is no end in sight. But God knows what He's doing, even if we don't.

A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. ...If you make the Lord Most High your dwelling...then no harm will befall you. .."Because He loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name. He will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him..." - Psalm 91:7, 9, 10, 14, 15

I'm not who I was

Tonight I was with my parents driving home from a Fourth of July party. My dad rented a convertible for the heck of it and so of course we were driving it. I immediately took note of the stars and no matter how many times I look upward, the stars never cease to amaze me. So I was sitting in the back of a convertible looking up at the stars, and a song comes on the radio that I’m quite familiar with. And something about being in the open air, looking up at the stars, and the words of the song hit me. I realized a lot in those few minutes.

I used to be mad at You, a little on the hurt side, too, but I’m not who I was…When the pain came back again like a bitter friend, it was all that I could do to keep myself from blaming You.

In the past, those words never meant much to me. I always liked the song but it never really connected with me until tonight while I was looking up at the stars, easily one of God’s most brilliant creations. The song made me think about the last year and all that’s happened in my life. Lots of hurt and heartache, and I can easily say that I’m not who I was a full year ago. But when I heard those lyrics, it really struck me how true they were. Eleven months ago I was sad, angry, hurt, and confused. And those feelings continued for quite a few months afterwards. I can honestly say I’m okay now, but of course there are occasional times when the pain returns. But I’ve grown so much in the past year to accept that this isn’t God’s way of punishing me or making me feel guilty, but it’s just a testing of my faith. By far the biggest test of my life. There was no way to prepare for it, and when it hit, it hit hard. And when you’re tested in a way that really shakes you, it’s going to take time to heal. I’m so glad I’ve finally come to terms with that. And I pray if you are going through a testing and trying circumstance right now that you would eventually be able to see it in the big scheme of things.

Sometimes it’s hard to accept change, especially when it’s big. But in reality, we change a lot each year. Some years it’s just easier to recognize. When you can realize – and accept – that you aren’t who you were a year ago and that it’s for the better, that’s the greatest moment. It might be a difficult road to this realization, but don’t forget: letting go of the pain, confusion, anger, whatever it may be does not mean letting go of the memories.

Maybe this is just how I know I'm alive

Even though we don’t always realize it, lots of things change in our lives from year to year. Sometimes the change is minimal and sometimes it’s very significant. For me, 2010 signifies a year of significant change. Lots of times at the end of a year, people tend to look back and see how much their lives have changed. Sometimes they can’t detect much of a change and other times it’s clearly obvious how much things have changed.

So today I am looking back to last year. Exactly a year ago yesterday (June 19), I headed on a plane with 19 other people to Costa Rica. Things were insane just on our journey down there, including a missing passport in one of the busiest airports (Atlanta) and 17 people under the age of 21 trying to find a Costa Rican that they’ve never met in an airport so crowded it looked like they were expecting the President. But we got though that. Two days later, everyone on the team was reunited and we were able to focus on the reason we were in Costa Rica. The 11 days I spent in Costa Rica changed my life. I served others in ways I hadn’t served before and got close to the other members of the team. We met a wonderful family, the Cordero’s, who have been like second parents to me. My time in Costa Rica forever changed my life, and to quote a song, I’ll never be the same.

A few weeks after we got back we reported to church the adventures of our trip. It was awesome to hear other members share what they got out of our trip and it was so neat to see all the people who had been praying for us while we were serving God down in the Rica. J

A few weeks after that, something unimaginable happened. One of our Costa Rica teammates, and a close friend of many, was killed in an accident. It shook our church family, especially the youth, but I think it rocked our Costa Rica group the most. We came back from our trip closer than family. And when one of our members was taken from us, it cut deep. It was hard to go on after that because it was obviously a huge change.

A few weeks after our world had been severely shaken, I moved away to college. Talk about another big change. I was so blessed that I was at a Christian school. I met a lot of wonderful people and made friends who I know God placed in my life for a great reason. There were also a few big events that happened while I was away at school, and added to the stress of being away from my close friends in a great time of grief, it was just too much. I decided to come home after one semester of college and that was probably one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. But I got through that.

Coming home from college was a big change itself. After spending roughly 13 years in school, taking six months off of school was a huge change. School was the only thing I had known in my life and not participating felt a little weird. And then there was a repeat event: choosing another college. Whoever said that the second time is easier than the first has obviously never transferred from one college to another. It was somewhat of a stressful situation but I got through it. I went to orientation at my new school this past weekend and even though I had been through college orientation before, it was a change because it was a completely different school. But I got through that and I am now eagerly waiting for move-in day.

That is a lot of change for one year. And don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad change. I graduated from high school last year, and that was one of the happiest moments of my life. My experience in Costa Rica was another great moment of my life. Through the thick and thin, the difficult and the effortless, there was one thing that stayed constant the whole year. That was Jesus. I know I just quoted this verse, but it has a special place in my heart. Hebrews 13:8 says “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” That is one of the truest statements I have ever heard.

It ain't broken it just needs a little mending

I love Bible verses that say exactly how I'm feeling or have felt. I'm reading through the Psalms and last night I was at the 44th one. There were quite a few verses in that chapter that I liked, but 17 and 18 really got me. Through everything that's gone on in these past ten months, my faith was still intact. It may have been pretty weak most of the time, but it never left me. I couldn't explain it; it was just one of those things that I knew in my heart but couldn't express with words. But last night when I was reading, I found my explanation. It was Psalm 44:17-18.

"All this happened to us, though we had not forgotten You...Our hearts had not turned back, our feet had not strayed from Your path."

Most of the time in life, we don't understand why things happen the way they do. We think that we should be exempt from bad things because, well, we're so self-absorbed. Nothing can go wrong that would set us back or make us appear weak. But stuff happens all the time in life. It's like that phrase - "You never think it's going to happen to you." Well, in case it hasn't happened to you yet, don't worry because it will. I'm guilty of thinking and even saying that very phrase. But the truth is, life is tough. It's not a stroll through the park; it's a crawl through the landmines. Through all the pain, hurt, sadness, and wrong-doings of this life, there is only one thing that we can cling to, and that's Jesus Christ. Everything else around us will change or go away. Hebrews 13:8 says it best: "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

I'm sure I owe Someone my life

Everyone was put on earth for a reason, for a purpose. I thought about that tonight after I watched “My Sister’s Keeper.” The main character was given life to save her sister. That really made me think; what if we were all put on earth for a reason like that; a reason so specific? But it dawned on me that we are put on earth for a reason. It might not be as dramatic as the girl in the movie, but there’s a reason for each one of us. Everything about our lives helps us live out our reason for being alive. God equipped us with everything we need to fulfill our purpose here on earth. Every skill, character trait, and spiritual gift was chosen by God specifically for us. He didn’t make any mistakes. You have what you have for a reason, and you’re even at the place you’re at for a reason. You’re in the exact family, house, neighborhood, city, state, and country that God designed especially for you. He had you in mind the whole time. To me, that’s incredible. So if you’re ever feeling down or not good enough remember, God created you for a specific reason and purpose that only YOU can fulfill!

Strong in the Weak Man

I was listening to a song by Leeland the other night and it really struck a cord. The chorus is basically plagiarizing John 3:30, where it says “He must become greater, I must become less.” The chorus also talks about how when we are at our weakest, God is at His strongest. That made me think about my life in the past nine or ten months. I have been at my lowest, at my weakest. To be honest, I’m a pretty weak person. But with God’s help, I got through the events of the past nine months, and I can make it through whatever else life throws my way. God truly was my strength during the past nine months because I know for a fact that I would not be where I am now if it weren’t for His intervening in my life.

I was curious as to what exactly weak meant. I looked it up and this is what I found:

“lacking strength; not able to sustain or exert much”

If applied to my life, those are pretty accurate definitions. Weakness can be overpowering and I’ve definitely experienced that. To be weak is to be drained, whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or a combination of those. And it amazes me how when we are in such a low state, God uses His power and strength to get us through. It wasn’t until last night that I really realized how much strength God exerted in my direction. My life was filled with blow after blow in a very short amount of time. It just seemed like things kept getting out of control at the same time. After Cameron’s accident I was wiped out physically and emotionally. Somehow my faith was still pretty strong; I know now that it was God sustaining me; giving me strength when I was extremely weak. A few weeks later I moved away to college, to a completely different atmosphere surrounded by strangers. A few months later, our youth pastor was let go of for reasons that still upset me. In fact, people kept information from me about this incident because they knew I wouldn’t be able to take it. And while they were probably right about that, it literally made me sick because everyone I was close to back home knew what was going on and I didn’t. And with my terribly pessimistic mind, I was of course thinking the worst. And if that fiasco wasn’t enough, just a few weeks after that, three of my relatives were in a very severe car accident. The week that happened was terrible. I had been sick all week, Cameron had been on my mind a lot, and then I get a phone call telling me about the accident. The day that happened was one of my worst days. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually weak. It was the night I decided to come home after one semester of college.

Even though all those events were terribly negative and made me incredibly weak, God was good and He was at work. I can directly quote what I posted a few weeks ago: “God can be glorified through the hurt and sadness, if just for the simple truth that we are still alive and breathing. It’s a testimony to God’s goodness and power that we can still stand and go on with our lives after suffering whatever it may be.”

More times than not from August to December, that was pretty much my testimony. I was just surviving; I was alive and breathing and even though there was a lot of hurt, God was still faithful and good just for the fact that I was still alive and that I could go on with my life, even though it was so difficult at times.

Continuing on God’s strength in our weakness, I was reading my Bible last night and came across Psalm 18. It truly was what I needed to hear last night. I absolutely love times like that; when God speaks to you through something like reading the Bible.

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge…In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice…He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy; from my foes, who were too strong for me…They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support…You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” – Psalm 18:1, 6, 16, 17, 18, 28

Wasted time is something, man, when it's gone you can't get it back

I started a self-induced Facebook fast today. Facebook always takes up more time than I plan and I decided today that I would put an end to that. I don’t know how long this will last, but I’m aiming for at least a week. Facebook is quite the time-waster and quite frankly, what’s the big deal about it? Yes, it is nice to keep up with friends that I haven’t seen in a while, but that’s about it. It doesn’t need to waste fifteen minutes or half an hour. I could do much more productive things during those fifteen or thirty minutes. And that’s exactly what I plan on doing.

Instead of sitting in front of the computer for thirty minutes, I could be cleaning my room, going grocery shopping for my mom, or watering trees and plants for my dad. I could be reading my Bible, exercising, or playing with my dog. There are so many things I could be doing instead of starting at a computer screen.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the value of the things I do. What am I doing that has eternal value? Our lives on earth are merely a speck of what’s to come. And if I’m not doing things that will carry into eternal life, then what the heck am I doing? Because we’re humans, we don’t know what the future holds. Ephesians 5:15-17 puts it into perspective pretty well: “Be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.” We are called to be a part of things with eternal value all the time because we don’t know what will happen tomorrow. That means reading the Bible today instead of putting it off for tomorrow, or going to youth group or Bible study this week instead of delaying until next week.

Doing things with eternal value isn’t as difficult as it may seem. Going to church, tithing or giving an offering, reading the Bible, going to a Bible study, volunteering or going on a mission trip; all are examples of things that, if done with the right heart and intention, are of eternal value. And occasionally technology can serve a purpose in doing things of eternal value. I’ve had chats with friends over Facebook or Skype about issues of faith and theology. But it’s not of eternal value when I’m looking at a friend’s pictures from a recent vacation or reading someone’s note “25 things about me.” Even though those things are interesting, they don’t serve an eternal purpose.

And not to say that you can’t have fun or enjoy yourself while you’re doing something with an eternal value because you definitely can! I came across an article and the author brought up great points. For example, talking to a friend over Facebook can have eternal worth when that friend asks you about your beliefs. Or while shopping for new clothes, you can do something of eternal value when you donate clothes that don’t fit you to the Salvation Army. Doing things of eternal worth are about serving God and using the gifts that He gave you to their fullest capacity.

I read a few articles while I was writing this and a few of them brought up some thought-provoking quotes. I found this quote while reading about using our money to honor God:

“You and I are stewards. Our wealth is loaned to us by God. We are put in trust with it. We are to use it not to accumulate more and more of what we have enough of already. We are to use it in the service of God and for the benefit of others. If you want to invest for eternity, then invest in people. People last; money does not.”

The other quote was something simple yet so profound. And I think it's a great way to end this post.

“Do something of eternal value everyday.”

This ain't my American dream

I’ve been thinking about material possessions a lot lately. How we are often too worried about them; having the right stuff or the most up-to-date things. How they seem like a big deal but they’re really not. A lot of things can put material possessions into perspective.

For example, in the past few months, I’ve personally known two families who have lost their homes to fires. The first family was Cameron’s aunt, uncle, and cousins. Six months after they lost Cameron, they lost their house. They lost absolutely everything; they just escaped with the clothes on their backs. And just last night, my little brother’s friend and his family lost their house to a fire. Events like that really put things into perspective for me. It also shows how easy it is to replace material possessions. Some objects may mean the world to us, but then you look at situations like the ones I just mentioned and you see how easy it really is to lose them.

And just last month, I found myself a little too concerned with my material possessions. I lost a box full of all my shorts and capris. I searched the whole house and couldn’t find the box. And for a while, I was really upset. A little upset that all the clothes I liked were missing, but also upset because I would have to do shopping to replace them. And I hate clothes shopping. But then I reminded myself of how I’m fortunate enough to even be able to go out and buy new clothes.

And I stumbled across a few great Bible verses. Matthew 6:25-34 is such a great reminder:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

There’s also a Sanctus Real song that echoes these verses. And there’s a Switchfoot song that talks about how minor material possessions are. All these references are great reminders that material possessions are so temporary and that God is the one permanent thing in life. Everything around us may change; we might move far away, we might lose our home to a fire, we might lose someone we love, and everything that can go wrong might go wrong. But through those trials we know that God is still there and He will never change.

These Things Take Time

The sermon at church yesterday was a good one. It was one of those things where if it would have been preached exactly a year ago, you would’ve left thinking, That was a nice sermon. I’ll have to remember that for later. But because it happened when it did, I found it extremely beneficial. It was called “How can a good God allow suffering?” I just wanted to share some points that I found to be interesting from the sermon.

The pastor was saying how if God is all-good and all-powerful, then why can’t He just destroy evil? There are two potential answers to why He doesn’t destroy evil. The first is that God is not all-good and all-powerful, which we obviously know isn’t true. So the second is that evil will be destroyed someday, which must be the solution since we know that God is an all-good and all-powerful God. The pastor then went on to ask another question (as you can imagine, there were lots of questions asked during this sermon), which was “Why did God allow suffering in the first place?” If you look in the Bible in Genesis 2 and 3, you’ll see that God gave us a choice because He loves us. Another question was “Why doesn’t God just put an end to evil and suffering now?” I thought this answer was extremely interesting. If God was to put an end to evil and suffering right this second, who and what would be left? We are evil beings; from the beginning when Adam and Eve sinned against God, we’ve been born with a human nature to stray from God. So if God destroyed all evil and suffering, nothing would be left. Also, God is a patient God. As I’ve seen throughout my own life, through the hard times and suffering, there are more opportunities for God to be glorified. It’s totally true if you think about it. If bad things didn’t happen in our lives, no one would overcome anything. It wouldn’t be a struggle to get out of bed and return to normal life. We wouldn’t have stories of God helping us through those difficult situations because without evil, there would be no difficult situations! And even though evil sucks and suffering hurts, they are great opportunities to share your faith. God can be glorified through the hurt and sadness, if just for the simple truth that we are still alive and breathing. It’s a testimony to God’s goodness and power that we can still stand and go on with our lives after suffering whatever it may be.

There were also a few things that the pastor said that caught my attention and still have me thinking about them. One of them is this: Has God ever not done what He promised to do? Sure things happen and go wrong sometimes but God is still faithful and good. Something else he said was interesting to me: There is no trust without obedience and there is no hope without perseverance.

On the topic of evil, suffering, and all the questions that go along with those two things, I thought of a song that I’ve become quite fond of lately. Back in March, I saw Sanctus Real in concert. They just came out with a new CD and they played all their new songs. One of them caught my attention right away. The lyrics were just so true and captivating. Here’s a sample:

I want to know why pain makes me stronger / I want to know why good men die / Why am I so afraid of the dark, but I stray from the light? / I want to know why You gave me eyes when faith is how I see / And tell me, is it easier to doubt or harder to believe? / Oh, there’s so many questions stirring in me / And I’m wondering why / Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find / I wanna know all the answers / But I’m learning that these things take time

I just think it’s so neat how God puts people or events in your life at just the moment you need them. The whole time during the sermon yesterday, this song was stuck in my head. And I just love it; it talks about questions we all have and tells us that we’ve got to give it time. We’re not going to figure everything out right away, and that’s okay. That’s how it’s supposed to be. In fact, we may never know the answers to some of the questions we have. But once our lives on earth are through and we get to heaven, those questions won’t matter anymore. All those questions are born out of evil and suffering, and how can such questions exist in a place without evil?

Also, I need to make a correction. My dear friend pointed out a mistake in my thinking. I don’t know if I wrote it late at night or what, but I got a little confused in my theology. Here’s what I originally said:

“That quote put a lot of things in perspective for me. I learned that while it was a part of God’s will that Cameron was taken home so early, in a weird way, it wasn’t. God didn’t want to take him at such a great part of his life. But because of the fall of man, we have a whole set of problems that come and affect God’s perfect will. But God is all-knowing, so He knew in advance that sin was going to mess up His perfect plans. But He still allows it to happen because of freewill and the sacrifice that was paid through Jesus’ death on the cross. Just because I discovered this, it didn’t make the pain go away. But it helped me work though everything and realize that I shouldn’t be mad or upset at God. God’s plan wasn’t to take Cameron on August 1, but because of all the sin of this world, it happened that way.”

I need to clarify a few things. First off, it was part of God’s plan for Cameron to be taken to heaven on August 1. Of course, we have free-will and will occasionally go against God’s plans. But ultimately, our lives go according to God’s plans. I really don’t know what I was thinking; perhaps I was thinking about how his life ended in an accident and that if there was no sin, accidents wouldn’t exist. I don’t know. But I apologize for going a little crazy on you. It wasn’t my intention to set you up to false thinking.

Life and learning how to die

Life has been going pretty well lately. It’s been a long time coming, but life is finally starting to look clear and bright again. I definitely don’t have anything figured out – and I’m not even close – but something is just fresh and new again. It’s a little hard and to be quite honest, I have hindered the return of a clear and happy future. I’ve had trouble letting go of my pain. I always thought that letting go of the pain meant letting go of the memories. But I’m glad I learned that’s not how it is.

I’ve made much improvement since the beginning of the month. On the first of the month I was continuing to go through the motions of my awfully monotonous life. It was bad; I just didn’t have the motivation to do anything. Online job searches ended almost as quickly as they started and going into stores for applications became a very rare occasion. As much as I wanted to end this boring continuous cycle of wake up-do nothing-go to bed, I just couldn’t. I figured I had done that for so long that as much as I hated it, I also didn’t mind it.

I really don’t know when things started to look up. But it’s definitely been slow and also continual. I haven’t felt sad about Cameron in almost a month. It’s a little weird to say that, but I know that letting go of my pain is not the same as letting go of all the memories. I still think about him everyday. I always wear my blue Cameron bracelet and just looking at it and putting it over my wrist makes me think of him. Random little events spark a thought, too – a Jeep driving down the road, eating at or seeing a sign for Subway, seeing his dad at church, hearing a ridiculous rap song that he always liked to make fun of.

I think the neatest part about being able to let go of my pain is the realization that Cameron is more alive now than he’s ever been. Heaven is such a glorious, wonderful place and he gets to be there forever! And once my day comes, I’ll get to join him. That’s so neat, but all this time I’ve been focused on the negative aspects. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing; I mean after all, death is extremely hard to deal with. But it can get to a point where thinking about the bad won’t get you anywhere, and I don’t know if I got there or not but it sure felt like it. And when you can’t keep being negative, you have to start being positive. I’m glad that day has finally come for me. But like always, I know that there are going to be bumps in the road. Tomorrow might be a hard day, as it marks eight months. But then again it might be a wonderful day and I might get overcome with emotions some other day. Grief is a funny thing and I have definitely witnessed that first hand.

One thing that has played an interesting role in the past eight months is music. I absolutely love music, as does my twin brother, and as did Cameron. The three of us had very similar tastes in music and because of that, for a while after the accident it was hard to listen to music. As much as I love it, there were days when I’d rather sit in silence than listen to a song that provoked so many memories. It was also extremely difficult because there were certain songs that I wanted to listen to, but those songs would usually provoke the most emotion. It was just awkward. Occasionally it still is. There are still a few songs that I absolutely cannot bring myself to listen to and haven’t listened to since before the accident.

I have been amazed at all the songs that have said exactly what I have been feeling. Sometimes it’s hard to listen to those songs because they’re so real and true in my life. But there’s just something about them that keeps me listening. In the beginning of the month, I really got to liking Steven Curtis Chapman’s Beauty Will Rise CD. Every song was so heart-wrenching but I could completely relate to it. The song I liked the best was “Spring is Coming.” It has so much hope in it and I had been lacking hope for quite some time. The song is a great reminder that even though there is pain and sadness, there is hope. And we must cling to that hope if we want to continue on with our lives.

Another song that I especially grew fond of is “Learning How to Die” by Jon Foreman. The words are pretty straight-forward, which at first was a little troublesome. And even though the lyrics aren’t really of hope to look forward to, it sparks a great revelation. Ultimately, we are put on earth to eventually land in heaven or hell. We do live but we are most alive just after we’re born, if you really think about it. Each second of our lives gets us closer to our departure from this earth. From the moment of birth, we are starting to die. It sounds rather depressing, but when you really think about it, we were made for death. We ultimately choose whether after death we spend eternity rotting in hell or living eternally in heaven. Our lives are just a chronicled journey of pain and sorrow and the occasional joyous event. We weren’t made for the fragile things of this earth. We were made for heaven and eternity. When I think about it that way, it makes the petty events of this life seem so insignificant. Because I know that eventually, this way of life will pass away for a much better one. A life where there is no sadness, sorrow, or pain. And let me tell you, I am exceptionally excited for that life.

Looking for the Brighter Days

If life went according to my plans, I’d be finishing up the first half of my second semester of college. But my life has taken God’s path, and instead I find myself at home still trying to find a job. The past two months have been a wild ride and have introduced me to a place that I never, ever expected to be in.

Leaving school after one semester was a very difficult decision. As much as I thoroughly enjoyed my new friends and the whole being-on-my-own thing, I knew that I needed to take time for myself to heal. There were days after I made my decision to come home where I would sincerely question whether or not I was making the right choice. I would have good days and think to myself, do I really want to leave all this behind? Yet there would be bad days where I’d lay in bed with tears rolling down my face thinking why can’t it be finals week already? It was a strange position to be in, but deep down, I knew this was something I had to do. I can already say, from being home for two months now, I have experienced some things that have greatly helped me on my journey of grief that I would not have been able to experience if I had been at school. But there have also been times where I’ve missed the old routine of classes, chapel, and hanging out with my friends at school. It’s definitely a two-way street.

So even though I haven’t been to a class since December, I’ve learned a lot on my own. I realized that my faith had taken a huge blow and that I needed to come back to God and work through everything. It sounds pretty easy, but it’s been so incredibly difficult. From October 2008 to August 2009, I read a part of my Bible each night and wrote down one verse that caught my attention. I did that every night and missed only two nights out of those ten months. It was incredible and it really brought me closer to God and strengthened my faith. I’ve been trying to start that back up, but there’s something missing. I know that whatever I do can’t mirror what I did during those ten months, but it’s helping me get back on track. This great realization of my need to come back to God happened after a get together with my wonderful friends and travel companions from Costa Rica. I realized a lot of things that night, but the need for me to get things straight with God again was overwhelmingly the greatest thing I realized.

Upon deciding to take the spring semester off, I immediately started my job hunt. Things started off well – I was finding jobs that I could apply to online and even had a relative back home tell me that I had an application waiting for me when I got back home. I had probably applied to more than 20 jobs by the time I set foot back in Wisconsin. Around Christmastime, I was fairly certain that by the end of January at the latest, I would finally have a job. But January came and went with no job. February came and I landed an interview. By this time, I was certain that I had finally found a job. But when I made it clear (perhaps a little too clear) that I may only be available until the end of the summer, that promising job wasn’t so promising anymore. And here I find myself in March still with no job. I apply in person, I apply online. I’ve tried just about every job-seeking website that you can name. I’ve started looking at places that I never would have looked at two months ago. I’m getting myself in sticky situations where if I land an interview and am asked why I want the job, the only answer I’ll be able to come up with is “It’s the only one I could find.” I can’t even tell you how many applications I’ve filled out. In fact just the other day, I applied to a place online and was alerted by a message that I had already applied for that particular job. To be completely honest, I’ve felt rather depressed about not being able to find a job. There have been days where I wonder why I even get out of bed because I know that my day will be filled with empty searches for employment.

So I guess this all was a bit trickier than I originally thought. From the get-go, I assumed I would go to Northwestern for all four years of my college career and graduate there. Then things got shaken up and my new plan was to get that perfect temporary job and head off to school again in the fall. And now I’ve learned how foolish all this planning is. My plans will fail if they aren’t in accordance with God. All this time, I’ve been trying to plan out my life according to what I want. And while I’ve been busy doing all that planning, God had these plans up His sleeve the whole time. To quote an older but classic Christian song, “It may not be the way I would’ve chosen, but You lead me through a world that’s not my home…You never said it would be easy, You only said I’d never go alone.” I’ve just got to get it straight with God again and then maybe I’ll finally be able to see all that’s in store.