Life has been going pretty well lately. It’s been a long time coming, but life is finally starting to look clear and bright again. I definitely don’t have anything figured out – and I’m not even close – but something is just fresh and new again. It’s a little hard and to be quite honest, I have hindered the return of a clear and happy future. I’ve had trouble letting go of my pain. I always thought that letting go of the pain meant letting go of the memories. But I’m glad I learned that’s not how it is.
I’ve made much improvement since the beginning of the month. On the first of the month I was continuing to go through the motions of my awfully monotonous life. It was bad; I just didn’t have the motivation to do anything. Online job searches ended almost as quickly as they started and going into stores for applications became a very rare occasion. As much as I wanted to end this boring continuous cycle of wake up-do nothing-go to bed, I just couldn’t. I figured I had done that for so long that as much as I hated it, I also didn’t mind it.
I really don’t know when things started to look up. But it’s definitely been slow and also continual. I haven’t felt sad about Cameron in almost a month. It’s a little weird to say that, but I know that letting go of my pain is not the same as letting go of all the memories. I still think about him everyday. I always wear my blue Cameron bracelet and just looking at it and putting it over my wrist makes me think of him. Random little events spark a thought, too – a Jeep driving down the road, eating at or seeing a sign for Subway, seeing his dad at church, hearing a ridiculous rap song that he always liked to make fun of.
I think the neatest part about being able to let go of my pain is the realization that Cameron is more alive now than he’s ever been. Heaven is such a glorious, wonderful place and he gets to be there forever! And once my day comes, I’ll get to join him. That’s so neat, but all this time I’ve been focused on the negative aspects. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing; I mean after all, death is extremely hard to deal with. But it can get to a point where thinking about the bad won’t get you anywhere, and I don’t know if I got there or not but it sure felt like it. And when you can’t keep being negative, you have to start being positive. I’m glad that day has finally come for me. But like always, I know that there are going to be bumps in the road. Tomorrow might be a hard day, as it marks eight months. But then again it might be a wonderful day and I might get overcome with emotions some other day. Grief is a funny thing and I have definitely witnessed that first hand.
One thing that has played an interesting role in the past eight months is music. I absolutely love music, as does my twin brother, and as did Cameron. The three of us had very similar tastes in music and because of that, for a while after the accident it was hard to listen to music. As much as I love it, there were days when I’d rather sit in silence than listen to a song that provoked so many memories. It was also extremely difficult because there were certain songs that I wanted to listen to, but those songs would usually provoke the most emotion. It was just awkward. Occasionally it still is. There are still a few songs that I absolutely cannot bring myself to listen to and haven’t listened to since before the accident.
I have been amazed at all the songs that have said exactly what I have been feeling. Sometimes it’s hard to listen to those songs because they’re so real and true in my life. But there’s just something about them that keeps me listening. In the beginning of the month, I really got to liking Steven Curtis Chapman’s Beauty Will Rise CD. Every song was so heart-wrenching but I could completely relate to it. The song I liked the best was “Spring is Coming.” It has so much hope in it and I had been lacking hope for quite some time. The song is a great reminder that even though there is pain and sadness, there is hope. And we must cling to that hope if we want to continue on with our lives.
Another song that I especially grew fond of is “Learning How to Die” by Jon Foreman. The words are pretty straight-forward, which at first was a little troublesome. And even though the lyrics aren’t really of hope to look forward to, it sparks a great revelation. Ultimately, we are put on earth to eventually land in heaven or hell. We do live but we are most alive just after we’re born, if you really think about it. Each second of our lives gets us closer to our departure from this earth. From the moment of birth, we are starting to die. It sounds rather depressing, but when you really think about it, we were made for death. We ultimately choose whether after death we spend eternity rotting in hell or living eternally in heaven. Our lives are just a chronicled journey of pain and sorrow and the occasional joyous event. We weren’t made for the fragile things of this earth. We were made for heaven and eternity. When I think about it that way, it makes the petty events of this life seem so insignificant. Because I know that eventually, this way of life will pass away for a much better one. A life where there is no sadness, sorrow, or pain. And let me tell you, I am exceptionally excited for that life.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Looking for the Brighter Days
If life went according to my plans, I’d be finishing up the first half of my second semester of college. But my life has taken God’s path, and instead I find myself at home still trying to find a job. The past two months have been a wild ride and have introduced me to a place that I never, ever expected to be in.
Leaving school after one semester was a very difficult decision. As much as I thoroughly enjoyed my new friends and the whole being-on-my-own thing, I knew that I needed to take time for myself to heal. There were days after I made my decision to come home where I would sincerely question whether or not I was making the right choice. I would have good days and think to myself, do I really want to leave all this behind? Yet there would be bad days where I’d lay in bed with tears rolling down my face thinking why can’t it be finals week already? It was a strange position to be in, but deep down, I knew this was something I had to do. I can already say, from being home for two months now, I have experienced some things that have greatly helped me on my journey of grief that I would not have been able to experience if I had been at school. But there have also been times where I’ve missed the old routine of classes, chapel, and hanging out with my friends at school. It’s definitely a two-way street.
So even though I haven’t been to a class since December, I’ve learned a lot on my own. I realized that my faith had taken a huge blow and that I needed to come back to God and work through everything. It sounds pretty easy, but it’s been so incredibly difficult. From October 2008 to August 2009, I read a part of my Bible each night and wrote down one verse that caught my attention. I did that every night and missed only two nights out of those ten months. It was incredible and it really brought me closer to God and strengthened my faith. I’ve been trying to start that back up, but there’s something missing. I know that whatever I do can’t mirror what I did during those ten months, but it’s helping me get back on track. This great realization of my need to come back to God happened after a get together with my wonderful friends and travel companions from Costa Rica. I realized a lot of things that night, but the need for me to get things straight with God again was overwhelmingly the greatest thing I realized.
Upon deciding to take the spring semester off, I immediately started my job hunt. Things started off well – I was finding jobs that I could apply to online and even had a relative back home tell me that I had an application waiting for me when I got back home. I had probably applied to more than 20 jobs by the time I set foot back in Wisconsin. Around Christmastime, I was fairly certain that by the end of January at the latest, I would finally have a job. But January came and went with no job. February came and I landed an interview. By this time, I was certain that I had finally found a job. But when I made it clear (perhaps a little too clear) that I may only be available until the end of the summer, that promising job wasn’t so promising anymore. And here I find myself in March still with no job. I apply in person, I apply online. I’ve tried just about every job-seeking website that you can name. I’ve started looking at places that I never would have looked at two months ago. I’m getting myself in sticky situations where if I land an interview and am asked why I want the job, the only answer I’ll be able to come up with is “It’s the only one I could find.” I can’t even tell you how many applications I’ve filled out. In fact just the other day, I applied to a place online and was alerted by a message that I had already applied for that particular job. To be completely honest, I’ve felt rather depressed about not being able to find a job. There have been days where I wonder why I even get out of bed because I know that my day will be filled with empty searches for employment.
So I guess this all was a bit trickier than I originally thought. From the get-go, I assumed I would go to Northwestern for all four years of my college career and graduate there. Then things got shaken up and my new plan was to get that perfect temporary job and head off to school again in the fall. And now I’ve learned how foolish all this planning is. My plans will fail if they aren’t in accordance with God. All this time, I’ve been trying to plan out my life according to what I want. And while I’ve been busy doing all that planning, God had these plans up His sleeve the whole time. To quote an older but classic Christian song, “It may not be the way I would’ve chosen, but You lead me through a world that’s not my home…You never said it would be easy, You only said I’d never go alone.” I’ve just got to get it straight with God again and then maybe I’ll finally be able to see all that’s in store.
Leaving school after one semester was a very difficult decision. As much as I thoroughly enjoyed my new friends and the whole being-on-my-own thing, I knew that I needed to take time for myself to heal. There were days after I made my decision to come home where I would sincerely question whether or not I was making the right choice. I would have good days and think to myself, do I really want to leave all this behind? Yet there would be bad days where I’d lay in bed with tears rolling down my face thinking why can’t it be finals week already? It was a strange position to be in, but deep down, I knew this was something I had to do. I can already say, from being home for two months now, I have experienced some things that have greatly helped me on my journey of grief that I would not have been able to experience if I had been at school. But there have also been times where I’ve missed the old routine of classes, chapel, and hanging out with my friends at school. It’s definitely a two-way street.
So even though I haven’t been to a class since December, I’ve learned a lot on my own. I realized that my faith had taken a huge blow and that I needed to come back to God and work through everything. It sounds pretty easy, but it’s been so incredibly difficult. From October 2008 to August 2009, I read a part of my Bible each night and wrote down one verse that caught my attention. I did that every night and missed only two nights out of those ten months. It was incredible and it really brought me closer to God and strengthened my faith. I’ve been trying to start that back up, but there’s something missing. I know that whatever I do can’t mirror what I did during those ten months, but it’s helping me get back on track. This great realization of my need to come back to God happened after a get together with my wonderful friends and travel companions from Costa Rica. I realized a lot of things that night, but the need for me to get things straight with God again was overwhelmingly the greatest thing I realized.
Upon deciding to take the spring semester off, I immediately started my job hunt. Things started off well – I was finding jobs that I could apply to online and even had a relative back home tell me that I had an application waiting for me when I got back home. I had probably applied to more than 20 jobs by the time I set foot back in Wisconsin. Around Christmastime, I was fairly certain that by the end of January at the latest, I would finally have a job. But January came and went with no job. February came and I landed an interview. By this time, I was certain that I had finally found a job. But when I made it clear (perhaps a little too clear) that I may only be available until the end of the summer, that promising job wasn’t so promising anymore. And here I find myself in March still with no job. I apply in person, I apply online. I’ve tried just about every job-seeking website that you can name. I’ve started looking at places that I never would have looked at two months ago. I’m getting myself in sticky situations where if I land an interview and am asked why I want the job, the only answer I’ll be able to come up with is “It’s the only one I could find.” I can’t even tell you how many applications I’ve filled out. In fact just the other day, I applied to a place online and was alerted by a message that I had already applied for that particular job. To be completely honest, I’ve felt rather depressed about not being able to find a job. There have been days where I wonder why I even get out of bed because I know that my day will be filled with empty searches for employment.
So I guess this all was a bit trickier than I originally thought. From the get-go, I assumed I would go to Northwestern for all four years of my college career and graduate there. Then things got shaken up and my new plan was to get that perfect temporary job and head off to school again in the fall. And now I’ve learned how foolish all this planning is. My plans will fail if they aren’t in accordance with God. All this time, I’ve been trying to plan out my life according to what I want. And while I’ve been busy doing all that planning, God had these plans up His sleeve the whole time. To quote an older but classic Christian song, “It may not be the way I would’ve chosen, but You lead me through a world that’s not my home…You never said it would be easy, You only said I’d never go alone.” I’ve just got to get it straight with God again and then maybe I’ll finally be able to see all that’s in store.
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