I'm not who I was

Tonight I was with my parents driving home from a Fourth of July party. My dad rented a convertible for the heck of it and so of course we were driving it. I immediately took note of the stars and no matter how many times I look upward, the stars never cease to amaze me. So I was sitting in the back of a convertible looking up at the stars, and a song comes on the radio that I’m quite familiar with. And something about being in the open air, looking up at the stars, and the words of the song hit me. I realized a lot in those few minutes.

I used to be mad at You, a little on the hurt side, too, but I’m not who I was…When the pain came back again like a bitter friend, it was all that I could do to keep myself from blaming You.

In the past, those words never meant much to me. I always liked the song but it never really connected with me until tonight while I was looking up at the stars, easily one of God’s most brilliant creations. The song made me think about the last year and all that’s happened in my life. Lots of hurt and heartache, and I can easily say that I’m not who I was a full year ago. But when I heard those lyrics, it really struck me how true they were. Eleven months ago I was sad, angry, hurt, and confused. And those feelings continued for quite a few months afterwards. I can honestly say I’m okay now, but of course there are occasional times when the pain returns. But I’ve grown so much in the past year to accept that this isn’t God’s way of punishing me or making me feel guilty, but it’s just a testing of my faith. By far the biggest test of my life. There was no way to prepare for it, and when it hit, it hit hard. And when you’re tested in a way that really shakes you, it’s going to take time to heal. I’m so glad I’ve finally come to terms with that. And I pray if you are going through a testing and trying circumstance right now that you would eventually be able to see it in the big scheme of things.

Sometimes it’s hard to accept change, especially when it’s big. But in reality, we change a lot each year. Some years it’s just easier to recognize. When you can realize – and accept – that you aren’t who you were a year ago and that it’s for the better, that’s the greatest moment. It might be a difficult road to this realization, but don’t forget: letting go of the pain, confusion, anger, whatever it may be does not mean letting go of the memories.